The 5 Love Languages - The Secret to Love That Lasts - Book Review

Gary Chapman's work in the space is known throughout the world. I'm honestly embarrassed it took me this long to find his work. This book is his main piece, but look forward to reading his books on Love Languages for Children, Men, and Parents. While I read this in hopes of improving my own marriage, I've seen how the concepts and languages Gary establishes can improve any relationship in life. Below are is my 1-2-3, and I've also included all my key takeaways and favorite quotes from my notes. Let me know your thoughts, comments, and/or questions!

- DDD

1 - 2 - 3

1(00) Word Summary:

99% of people have one core love language that fills their tank; Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, or Physical Touch. Knowing your partners’ helps meet their needs, fill their tank, and grow your marriage. Putting in the work to learn your partners can save a failed marriage, help a failing marriage, or strengthen an already great one. Learning our own and communicating that to our partner is also key. Life’s to short to have an empty “love-tank”. Some languages are hard for us but necessary to love our partner. Love is a CHOICE. Choose it!

2 Reasons I Read This Book:

1. Be a better husband first, but also be better at EQ in general to help love people in all arenas of life

2. Very highly regarded book and author (Gary Chapman)
   

3 Things I'm Taking Away:

1. Children who tend to act up and "revolt" potentially have an empty "love tank". We might be trying so hard as a parent, but not speaking our child's love language. We might be affirming them, but they want loved through "Quality Time".

2. How we tend to show love to our partner is more than likely our own love language. Figure our own language out WITH our partners and tackle these TOGETHER.

3. Just like all things in life, it's not easy. My partners love language is more than likely something I'm not good at (and honestly it was my lowest score). I will challenge myself to honor that for her and know that in the long-term it will hopefully become easier and more natural!

Other Key Takeaways and Quotes From My Notes:

• The need to feel loved is a primary human need - every child has certain basic emotional needs and none is more important than this

• Early “in-love” is obsession and not emotional. This stage we’re still able to function egocentrically and can’t take credit for our generosity. After marriage, we must choose to move into combining reason and emotion, acting with will and discipline, and aiming to fill our partners love tank to watch THEM flourish in all of life’s aspects

• At the heart of love is the spirit of giving -> All 5 love languages challenge us to give to our spouse. While gift giving is one language, it's wrapped up in the other four

• Key learnings from "Dave and Mary": What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after; Love is a choice and cannot be coerced - You can give guidance by making requests but you cannot create THE WILL to love; People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need - this is ineffective BUT it gives us insight into our partner

• Explicit love - takes more time, not only in actual touching but in developing your understanding of how to communicate that love to your spouse; Implicit love - requires little time but much though. Especially true if touch is not my primary language and I didn't grow up with a touching family

• Three ways to discover own primary love language

  1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts me most?

  2. What have I most often requested of my spouse?

  3. In what way do I regularly express my love to my spouse?

• Meeting our partners NEED for love is a CHOICE I make each and every day. Just like all things, sometimes it isn't fun, but we must do the hard things to move forward in life. Growth, growth, growth...Love, love, love

• Mostly, when we're in a marriage that is down from the high, and we're not speaking each other's love languages, love-tanks go empty and remain empty. We need love. We need to feel loved. While the love of Jesus is the most important, there is something special about intimate love from another human. When we let our partners tank go and stay empty, the natural course of action is to find a way to fill it, even if we aren't purposefully seeking too. This is why we may start to inherently feel a special way about someone else in our lives. They may affirm us, or give us gifts, filling our love tank JUST ENOUGH to spark the "in-love" experience that gives us a high and makes us feel like we matter. This is where cheating and divorce is stemmed from. And why divorce rates in subsequent marriages are higher because this is a never ending cycle.

• Comfort is not the issue (when not feeling normal speaking your spouses language). Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself

• We choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We might not feel warm, fuzzy, or excited doing it. We are purely doing this to lift up and fill our partners love-tank. Back to investments. Its the long game. Love is a choice. Choose it.

• True love liberates us; When we experience true love, it influences all the needs we have positively. We then become freed to develop and reach our potential

  • If we don not feel loved (in marriage), our differences are magnified and we come to view our partners as a threat to our true happiness. We then fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven

• Looking at Jesus, we should view His death as an expression of love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His power. He provides the inner spiritual energy to love, EVEN when love is not reciprocated